Fatherless Children...An American Epidemic

I recently caught up on a series on Oprah's "Life Class" recently featured on her OWN Network.  Bishop T.D. Jakes lead the class in a serious discussion about fatherless children.  Oprah revealed a surprising statistic that 1 in 3 children in America are fatherless.  It is because this very reason why I referred to this occurrence as an "epidemic" in the title of this post.  The urban community knows all too well the reality of growing up fatherless.  I endured 6 years of my adolescence without my father present so I know what it feels like to not have your father in your life.  Fortunately, my father came back and fought for me and our relationship and today I can say I am very happy with the relationship we currently have.  Unfortunately, many others aren't so lucky.  One of the most beautiful parts about the series is the understanding that it is never too late to develop a father-child relationship, no matter what you've been through.

We only have one father in this life and often times, negative circumstances get in the way of us enjoying positive and fruitful relationships with our fathers.  I've written before about fatherless children and the painful dynamics that this experience can create in one's life on this blog: Where's Daddy?.  Bishop T.D. Jakes pinpointed several things that I think might help my @BornTooBlog readers in this situation. 

Jakes made sure to impress the importance of understanding that like the fatherless children, their fathers have more than likely experienced some kind of trauma or lack of in their lives concerning their own parents.  Many times when you look at fathers who aren't present in their children's lives, if you dig deeper, you find a man that did not have a father or who's father was abusive or had a negative impact on them in some way.  Jakes explained that realizing this as a child can help facilitate understanding among both parties and can actually lessen the guilt of the absentee father.  He calls this "understanding the wounds of your father".

"I think once we let go of our ideas, our fantasies of what things could have been like and embrace what they are like, it gives both the father and the son a feeling of being accepted for where I am."

- Bishop Jakes

 



Jakes also emphasized that once you do gain the courage as an absentee father to reenter your child's life in an effort to rebuild that broken relationship, you must "court your child" by establishing a foundation for your love and respect to grow on.  I hear too many times that fathers who weren't there in the beginning come back trying to discipline their children off the bat or never even address the issues that led to their absence prior to trying to reestablish a relationship.  This can often create further resentment and stop the reconciliation efforts in their tracks.  Although the entire experience can be frightening to a father that is trying to reconnect with his children, the children are often just as afraid of rejection as their absent fathers.  So now we have common fears, emotions and quite possibly, a shared childhood experience that can facilitate growth and understanding.

"The father has to create a floor for the son's love to stand on because he and his son don't share the strong foundation of memories father-son relationships require."

"Parenting is something that doesn't come with a textbook. You learn as you go. And I think sometimes we're so afraid that we're not going to do it right that we don't do it at all."

- Bishop Jakes



I've written previously on how some mothers use their children as bargaining tools or as T.D. Jakes calls it, a "switch" to abuse the father with.  Jakes further pointed out that when you use a "switch" to hit someone with, the switch (aka the child) gets broken and wore down in the process as well.  I always told myself that if I had a child and me and the father were no longer together that I would never stop him from seeing our child because he was unable or unwilling to pay child support.  I made this commitment to myself because it is very rare that I hear children complain about their relationships with their fathers due to lack of financial support.  What I hear the most is usually a child reliving the pain of their parent(s) not being there as a support system when it comes to school, sporting events or momentous occasions in a child's life like graduation, the birth of a child, and so on. Jakes encouraged all fatherless children to "leave the door open" for their fathers should they gain the courage to come back into their child's life.

Ultimately, it takes a lot of dedication, determination and communication in order to build/rebuild the trust and bond between a father that was once absent and the child they left behind.  However, if we are only blessed with one mother and one father, what could it hurt to try and reconcile and build a relationship when given the ability and chance?  Children must learn to forgive and open themselves up to allow the process to begin and fathers must take the first step and keeping making steps towards resolution.  Mothers must be a positive support system that helps facilitate the process and should never deter their children from reconnecting with their fathers unless they are a threat to their well being.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Are you a fatherless child?
Is the father of your child absent in your child's life?
Are you a father who has attempted to reconnect with your child?  What has been the most difficult issue to overcome?
Are you a fatherless child success story?  What helped you and your father or you and your child reconnect against all odds?

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Why Do Men Have Kids By Women They Don't Like?

Men having children by women they can't stand is no new occurrence or phenomenon.  Sure there are plenty of parents that were in love when they conceived their children, and later, due to unforeseen circumstances, fell out of love.  But what about the men who were never in love with the mothers of their children, yet consistently had unprotected sex with these women, knowing they would not get along in a parenting situation, or even worse, that they would be unfit mothers?  Who is holding these men responsible for planting seeds in women that they knew beyond the shadow of a doubt would make things hard when it came to seeing their child or would use the child as bait to get the things they want from the man?

I will give some the benefit of the doubt in saying that maybe the woman flipped once she found out she was pregnant or that the man didn't want to be with her, but many men knew the temperament and personality of the women they were having unprotected sex with and instead of "pulling out" or even better, wearing a condom, they chose to go all in.  Scratch that, how about choosing not to deal with women whom you have nothing in common with other than sex so things like this don't happen at all?  Does something happen when a man is inside a woman that doesn't allow him to restrain himself from ejaculating in her?  Does the woman's vagina have some sort of timed vice grip that holds the man inside her until he fertilizes her egg? Somebody help me out here.

It may seem like I'm being silly or funny, but I'm dead serious!!!  Why do men continuously impregnate women that they can't stand and have no possibility of having a future with outside of child support cases and birthday parties?  It seems to me if said men took a little time to think past their penis, they would be smarter when dealing with women where signs of negativity are already present.  A child is a lifetime responsibility and I'm sure many men regret that one fatal time where they let the vagina get the best of them.  Men want to be seen as so strong and macho, yet can't fight off a woman that means them no earthly good.  What's the point of having muscles and endurance if you can't fight off a lifetime of heartache and regret?

I think men need to think twice when having sex with ANY WOMAN that they deem is not mother or wifey material.  That way, they can lessen the chances of impregnating a woman that will literally suck the life out of them throughout the duration of their co-parenting of the child.

Love & Hip Hop Atlanta: Therapy

Well, Mona Scott-Young has brought us the juiciest reality show known to man and it is quickly becoming America's favorite guilty pleasure viewing choice.  Last night's episode of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was outrageous, touching, intriguing and a *side eye* factor all at the same damn time.  We saw Mimi and Stevie J attempt to bring some sanity to their interactions by speaking to a clinical psychologist.  Although he is the therapist from the infamous Maury Povich daytime talk show, he quickly got to the core of Mimi and Stevie's issues and helped them open up about their pasts.  Knowing now that Stevie J was abandoned by his mother at birth sheds a lot of light as to his faulty dealings with the women in his life and Mimi's Mommy issues also lend to her need to keep Stevie J around.  I'm proud to see Vh1 showing the importance of therapy in this positive light and how it can help heal open wounds.  More couples should be as brave and courageous as Stevie and Mimi...kudos to them.

Scrappy was up to his old shady ways trying to plan and plot a strategy to get off child support.  I understand many young males of color don't like the system/government in their "business", but why is there a need to pay for expensive lawyers if you're planning on paying the child support anyway?  Sounds kind of backwards to me, but I hope him and Erica figure it out.  Although Side Chick Buckey (from Flavor Flav's Flavor of Love dating show) is conniving and ratchet, she has a little bit of sense and may be able to help guide Scrappy to the right course of action.

Joseline aka The Side Chick is quickly claiming her personal power and slowly cutting the strong ties that Stevie J bonds her with.  Sleazy, I mean, Stevie J is quick to always remind her that he will exile her from the music industry and send her packing all her thongs, back to the strip club, but his threats are starting to wear thin on the poor child.  I'm not sure how the season will end between Joseline and her "man-ager", but Lord knows something needs to change.

Benzino and Karlie Redd are just too much and I am really trying to figure out if this is a publicity stunt on both sides to improve their images.  Visions of Benzino figuratively running through The Source magazine offices smacking ass and going under skirts comes to mind (this is not fact), but he now is showing his soft and human side while around Karlie as he spoils her and lavishes her with gifts and attention.  I really can't be mad at the brother though; He's very charming and convincing.

At times I think that Mimi, Stevie, Joseline, Karlie and K. Michelle, who is such a talented artist, are all just great actors, but then I realize that Love & Hip Hop is so ratchet, ignorant, hilarious, addicting and ridiculous that I think to myself, you just can't write stuff like this. 

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Who is your favorite character on LHHATL and why?
Do you feel bad for Mimi?
Does Karlie Redd seem sincere?
Who do you dislike the most on the show?

Relationships: Is He Your Type or the Marrying Type?

Too often I find myself attracted to a certain "type" of guy.  My type of guy has swag, style, confidence, charm, etc.  Much more often, I find that relationships with my "type" of man never work out because they usually have many ladies that are fighting for their affection and trust me, I will never fight over a man.  Much further beyond competition is the fact that my type is usually not the settling down kind.

What I'm coming to realize is that for as long as I can remember, my type of guy was only able to fill a temporary void when it came to relationships and never seemed to stick around for the long haul.  Nor were they capable of having a real relationship equipped with ups and downs, growth and sustainability. 

Now I find myself almost 32 years old and single....again! I am now forced to reevaluate the thinking and choices that got me where I am today.  My conclusion is that I've always been attracted to the wrong type of guys.  A six pack and big muscles won't hold you tight at night, nor will it calm your fears and support you through thick and thin.  I am now redefining my type to include qualities that don't address physical attributes, such as a willingness to settle down, build a foundation and start a family.  Other qualities that I am now more keenly focused on are commitment, trust, loyalty and honesty.

People always say you can have it all, but I constantly wonder if that is really the case.  Most of my peers that are getting married seem to have the right idea about what the "marrying type" is.  I do want to get married eventually and possibly have kids and I realize now that my "type" isn't the "marrying type".  I'm ready to shed past hurts, disappointments and misconceptions to find the love that I truly want and deserve.  I am a work in progress, but now I feel I am progressing in the right direction towards the goals I want to achieve in my life.  So I'm saying goodbye to my "type" and hello to the "marrying type".  This will take time and lots of self reflection, but I feel now more than ever I am ready to claim my prize of true love and commitment.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
LADIES: Do you find that your "type" of guy is not the "marrying type"?
Do you see similarities in your relationship life as how I have described above?
Do you often feel you get the short end of the stick in love and relationships?
Are you willing to reassess the "type" of man you need instead of the "type" of man you want?

Are Children From A Previous Girlfriend/Boyfriend Deal Breakers In A Relationship???

I haven't posted a relationship blog in awhile and I recently encountered a situation with a girlfriend that made me want to speak on this occurrence.  My close girlfriend was telling me about her and her boyfriend's issues with each other and they seemed to all stem from his son from a previous relationship.  I have had my experience with a man who had children and trust me, it was not easy.  However, the love I had for their father made me want to hold on and make things work, despite blatant disrespect from his kids and the lack of support from him at times.  I always wondered if our relationship went to the next level with marriage and children of our own, would he have the same excitement and exuberance when our child was born.  Another issue for me personally was the lack of time and commitment that I received, due to the priority of the child.  No one wants to be all dressed up and ready to go out and the father can't go because his son is sick.

Many women, along with my close girlfriend, have warned me not to get with a man with a child.  Baby Mama drama is rampant in our era because men and women fail to get to know each other before they conceive a child.  But what if the child's mother gets along with the father and the child, itself, is really the issue?  I can recall my mother having a boyfriend while her and my father were legally separated for an extended amount of time and as a child, I definitely gave him a hard time.  A child will always want to see their parents together so you as the "new girlfriend or boyfriend" becomes his/her worse enemy. 

It is perfectly understandable that a woman/man would want their first child to be with their significant other in order to experience child birth for the first time TOGETHER!  However, you will be hard pressed in this day and age to find a young African American man that does not have a seed or a woman with no children.  Are these women/men who refuse to date a man/woman with kids significantly limiting their pool of eligible catches?  Is it realistic to think that you will find your soul mate while ruling out men or women with children altogether?  Can a man's child or a woman's child get on your nerves that much that you would want to end the relationship?   

I would love to hear from singles that have experienced dating the opposite sex whom has kids or even couples who are navigating through this journey as we speak:

Would you ever do it again?
Was the child too much to handle to not be your own?
Did you ever consider breaking up with the person because you could not handle the issues that came with their child?

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS....

Jay-Z and Beyoncé Welcome Daughter Blue Ivy Carter To The World Amongst Rumors and Drama

Jay-Z and Beyoncé released the following statement to the world today regarding the birth of their daughter, Blue Ivy Carter:

"Hello Hello Baby Blue!


We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012.


Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven.
...
She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.

We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.

- Beyoncé & JAY Z"

BornTooBlog would like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to the Carters on their new edition to Hip Hop/Pop royalty and the Carter family.  There has been so many speculations on whether the baby was actually going to be delivered by Bey, whether she was in fact pregnant, and when the actual birth would take place.  Even further, drama ensued while Jay & Bey rented out the entire floor of a New York hospital and left many parents angry while they restricted access to their children in the ICU unit of the hospital, trying to keep them secluded.  Amongst rumors that Bey had the baby almost a month ago, the baby is officially here and I cannot wait to see pics of her, which I'm sure won't be released for awhile since the Carters are very private.

Jay-z also released a track today called "Glory" with a top celebrity feature, none other than Baby Blue Ivy.  Check out the track of Jay and his first daughter, Blue Ivy Carter below:

What do you think of the track? Are you happy for the Carters on their new edition to the family?  What advice would you parents give the Carters in raising their new baby Blue Ivy?

Video Spotlight: Don Trip feat. Cee-Lo "A Letter To My Son"

I recently heard this song on the radio and was taken aback by the honesty and realness of the lyrics.  This song is my first introduction to Don Trip, a street poet from Memphis, Tennessee, who's mission is to be the voice of the people in these difficult social and economic times.  Don Trip enlisted the voice of one of my favs, soulful Cee-Lo Green.  Cee-Lo is known for bringing deep emotions out of songs and elevating them to a platform that speaks of the struggle in a way that is not only socially conscious, but also pleasing to one's ears.

The song entitled A Letter To My Son displays a father speaking to his only son, expressing the difficulties of raising the son, when all his mother wants to do is use him as a bargaining tool due to their failed relationship.  I spoke about this occurrence when I initially started my blog in the post Where's Daddy?  Too often, young fathers find themselves struggling to build relationships with their children due to the mother being difficult, caddy, messy and down right selfish.  I never understood why a mother would want to keep her children from their father.  Most children in urban neighborhoods barely get a chance to see their fathers, let alone see them at all.  Naturally, when I see mothers keeping their children away from their fathers who want to be in their lives, it makes me angry and confused.

There are so many fathers out there that are going through this, which is why I wanted to highlight this song to give a voice to the proud fathers who will have to wait until their children get older in to explain their misunderstood absence.  Mothers might think they have all the power, but ultimately, once the children realize what's going on, they will now be subject to the inquiries and judgement of their children.  Who really is winning in this situation anyway?

I appreciate Don Trip for bringing this occurrence to the forefront, in the hopes that some mothers will recognize the error in their ways and finally put the child first.  As I said in my previous post on this subject, if the father is violent or a detriment to the child, by all means, restrict his access to his children.  However, I will never justify keeping a man from his children due to their lack of funds or even further, a failed relationship between the child's parents.  It is no excuse and these women need to stop it immediately before they ruin their relationship with their children altogether.

Take a listen to the song and check out the video:

WEIGH IN
What do you think about the song and video?
Did Cee-Lo make a nice addition to the song?
Do you relate to the issue Don Trip is addressing in this video?
Have you experienced a jealous/hurtful/selfish baby mother who won't let you see your children?
How does this song make you feel as a father in this situation?