Fatherless Children...An American Epidemic

I recently caught up on a series on Oprah's "Life Class" recently featured on her OWN Network.  Bishop T.D. Jakes lead the class in a serious discussion about fatherless children.  Oprah revealed a surprising statistic that 1 in 3 children in America are fatherless.  It is because this very reason why I referred to this occurrence as an "epidemic" in the title of this post.  The urban community knows all too well the reality of growing up fatherless.  I endured 6 years of my adolescence without my father present so I know what it feels like to not have your father in your life.  Fortunately, my father came back and fought for me and our relationship and today I can say I am very happy with the relationship we currently have.  Unfortunately, many others aren't so lucky.  One of the most beautiful parts about the series is the understanding that it is never too late to develop a father-child relationship, no matter what you've been through.

We only have one father in this life and often times, negative circumstances get in the way of us enjoying positive and fruitful relationships with our fathers.  I've written before about fatherless children and the painful dynamics that this experience can create in one's life on this blog: Where's Daddy?.  Bishop T.D. Jakes pinpointed several things that I think might help my @BornTooBlog readers in this situation. 

Jakes made sure to impress the importance of understanding that like the fatherless children, their fathers have more than likely experienced some kind of trauma or lack of in their lives concerning their own parents.  Many times when you look at fathers who aren't present in their children's lives, if you dig deeper, you find a man that did not have a father or who's father was abusive or had a negative impact on them in some way.  Jakes explained that realizing this as a child can help facilitate understanding among both parties and can actually lessen the guilt of the absentee father.  He calls this "understanding the wounds of your father".

"I think once we let go of our ideas, our fantasies of what things could have been like and embrace what they are like, it gives both the father and the son a feeling of being accepted for where I am."

- Bishop Jakes

 



Jakes also emphasized that once you do gain the courage as an absentee father to reenter your child's life in an effort to rebuild that broken relationship, you must "court your child" by establishing a foundation for your love and respect to grow on.  I hear too many times that fathers who weren't there in the beginning come back trying to discipline their children off the bat or never even address the issues that led to their absence prior to trying to reestablish a relationship.  This can often create further resentment and stop the reconciliation efforts in their tracks.  Although the entire experience can be frightening to a father that is trying to reconnect with his children, the children are often just as afraid of rejection as their absent fathers.  So now we have common fears, emotions and quite possibly, a shared childhood experience that can facilitate growth and understanding.

"The father has to create a floor for the son's love to stand on because he and his son don't share the strong foundation of memories father-son relationships require."

"Parenting is something that doesn't come with a textbook. You learn as you go. And I think sometimes we're so afraid that we're not going to do it right that we don't do it at all."

- Bishop Jakes



I've written previously on how some mothers use their children as bargaining tools or as T.D. Jakes calls it, a "switch" to abuse the father with.  Jakes further pointed out that when you use a "switch" to hit someone with, the switch (aka the child) gets broken and wore down in the process as well.  I always told myself that if I had a child and me and the father were no longer together that I would never stop him from seeing our child because he was unable or unwilling to pay child support.  I made this commitment to myself because it is very rare that I hear children complain about their relationships with their fathers due to lack of financial support.  What I hear the most is usually a child reliving the pain of their parent(s) not being there as a support system when it comes to school, sporting events or momentous occasions in a child's life like graduation, the birth of a child, and so on. Jakes encouraged all fatherless children to "leave the door open" for their fathers should they gain the courage to come back into their child's life.

Ultimately, it takes a lot of dedication, determination and communication in order to build/rebuild the trust and bond between a father that was once absent and the child they left behind.  However, if we are only blessed with one mother and one father, what could it hurt to try and reconcile and build a relationship when given the ability and chance?  Children must learn to forgive and open themselves up to allow the process to begin and fathers must take the first step and keeping making steps towards resolution.  Mothers must be a positive support system that helps facilitate the process and should never deter their children from reconnecting with their fathers unless they are a threat to their well being.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Are you a fatherless child?
Is the father of your child absent in your child's life?
Are you a father who has attempted to reconnect with your child?  What has been the most difficult issue to overcome?
Are you a fatherless child success story?  What helped you and your father or you and your child reconnect against all odds?

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Why Do Men Have Kids By Women They Don't Like?

Men having children by women they can't stand is no new occurrence or phenomenon.  Sure there are plenty of parents that were in love when they conceived their children, and later, due to unforeseen circumstances, fell out of love.  But what about the men who were never in love with the mothers of their children, yet consistently had unprotected sex with these women, knowing they would not get along in a parenting situation, or even worse, that they would be unfit mothers?  Who is holding these men responsible for planting seeds in women that they knew beyond the shadow of a doubt would make things hard when it came to seeing their child or would use the child as bait to get the things they want from the man?

I will give some the benefit of the doubt in saying that maybe the woman flipped once she found out she was pregnant or that the man didn't want to be with her, but many men knew the temperament and personality of the women they were having unprotected sex with and instead of "pulling out" or even better, wearing a condom, they chose to go all in.  Scratch that, how about choosing not to deal with women whom you have nothing in common with other than sex so things like this don't happen at all?  Does something happen when a man is inside a woman that doesn't allow him to restrain himself from ejaculating in her?  Does the woman's vagina have some sort of timed vice grip that holds the man inside her until he fertilizes her egg? Somebody help me out here.

It may seem like I'm being silly or funny, but I'm dead serious!!!  Why do men continuously impregnate women that they can't stand and have no possibility of having a future with outside of child support cases and birthday parties?  It seems to me if said men took a little time to think past their penis, they would be smarter when dealing with women where signs of negativity are already present.  A child is a lifetime responsibility and I'm sure many men regret that one fatal time where they let the vagina get the best of them.  Men want to be seen as so strong and macho, yet can't fight off a woman that means them no earthly good.  What's the point of having muscles and endurance if you can't fight off a lifetime of heartache and regret?

I think men need to think twice when having sex with ANY WOMAN that they deem is not mother or wifey material.  That way, they can lessen the chances of impregnating a woman that will literally suck the life out of them throughout the duration of their co-parenting of the child.

Evelyn Lozada Breaks Her Silence on Iyanla Vanzant's "Fix My Life"

Oprah has faced some hardships since she shut down the Oprah Winfrey Talk Show and started her own network called OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on cable TV, but she is slowly starting to build up steam for the relatively new network with exclusive interviews with the likes of Rihanna, Usher, Jennifer Hudson and more.  Her new show featuring life coach guru Iyanla Vanzant has also made major waves featuring the exclusive interview with Evelyn Lozada, Basketball Wives Miami reality star and estranged wife of Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson via Vanzant's show on OWN called "Fix My Life".

The irony of it all is that Lozada initially agreed to appear on the show to "fix her life" prior to her domestic violence incident with her husband, in an effort to shun her bad girl image that she not only gets paid to portray on Basketball Wives, but has garnered a book deal and hefty appearance fees for the reality star.  After receiving backlash from the public and well known celebrities like Star Jones, Lozada finally realized that she did not want to be seen as the angry Latina woman that had originally created her stardom and celebrity, citing that her "ah ha" moment was when her step daughters mocked and idolized her violent actions on Basketball Wives.  Lozada was determined to turn a corner and show the true her, get past her fears, pain and regret, and move forward to a healthier and more peaceful life.

In the first episode of the show, Iyanla delved deep into Evelyn's childhood and got to the core of her pain, rage and anger that often is seen played out on TV for all to see.  Iyanla wanted to help her find her inner child that was still hurting from being rejected by her father.  Iyanla was surprised to see that her husband, Chad Johnson, was not present for the interview although he had committed to being there.  This was a red flag for Iyanla and she quickly proclaimed that in regards to her marriage, that Lozada was, "in trouble".  With Vanzant somehow foreseeing the future, she later heard the news with the rest of the world that Evelyn and Chad had been involved in a domestic dispute which allegedly involved Evelyn being headbutted by Chad, requiring Evelyn to get stitches in her forehead.

After the alleged headbutting incident, Evelyn has since filed for divorce and says she has not spoken to Chad.  The second part of the segment was recorded after the incident and Iyanla had somewhat of a "I told you so" vibe, while letting Evelyn once again, dig deep into her inner self to determine how she got to this point.  I was so proud of Evelyn for her courage to want to change and her honesty throughout the process.  Evelyn showed her vulnerability as she constantly shed tears while consistently confronting her past, present and future.

Seeing Lozada in this light really changed my views on her and I have never seen her look more beautiful and endearing.  Lozada and Vanzant ultimately determined that her anger and rage stemmed from her abandonment as a child by her father and her dealings with men (promiscuity, low self esteem and teenage pregnancy) were also bi-products of this still open wound.  Vanzant urged Lozada to discover who she truly was without the high profile marriage, hit reality show and closet full of Louboutins and the exchange was incredibly moving and inspiring.

I wish Evelyn Lozada the best on her journey to set an example for young girls, as the truly strong and beautiful woman that she is and hope that she finds her true calling, as she acknowledged that, "its not to act a fool on TV".  To say that this show made me look into myself for similar answers to the ills that plague me would be an understatement.  The show is definitely something I'll watch in the future as I believe I can learn and grow from the courageous stories of others.

Here is some video footage of the exchange between Lozada and Vanzant on "Fix My Life":

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Did you watch the two part segment of Lozada on Iyanla Vanzant's "Fix My Life"?
Do you now have a different perception of Evelyn Lozada, the "bad girl" on Basketball Wives?
Do you have "daddy issues" stemming from abandonment as a child?
Have you ever been a victim of domestic abuse?
Does her courage and honesty inspire you to tackle some heavy issues in your own life?

Video Spotlight: Don Trip feat. Cee-Lo "A Letter To My Son"

I recently heard this song on the radio and was taken aback by the honesty and realness of the lyrics.  This song is my first introduction to Don Trip, a street poet from Memphis, Tennessee, who's mission is to be the voice of the people in these difficult social and economic times.  Don Trip enlisted the voice of one of my favs, soulful Cee-Lo Green.  Cee-Lo is known for bringing deep emotions out of songs and elevating them to a platform that speaks of the struggle in a way that is not only socially conscious, but also pleasing to one's ears.

The song entitled A Letter To My Son displays a father speaking to his only son, expressing the difficulties of raising the son, when all his mother wants to do is use him as a bargaining tool due to their failed relationship.  I spoke about this occurrence when I initially started my blog in the post Where's Daddy?  Too often, young fathers find themselves struggling to build relationships with their children due to the mother being difficult, caddy, messy and down right selfish.  I never understood why a mother would want to keep her children from their father.  Most children in urban neighborhoods barely get a chance to see their fathers, let alone see them at all.  Naturally, when I see mothers keeping their children away from their fathers who want to be in their lives, it makes me angry and confused.

There are so many fathers out there that are going through this, which is why I wanted to highlight this song to give a voice to the proud fathers who will have to wait until their children get older in to explain their misunderstood absence.  Mothers might think they have all the power, but ultimately, once the children realize what's going on, they will now be subject to the inquiries and judgement of their children.  Who really is winning in this situation anyway?

I appreciate Don Trip for bringing this occurrence to the forefront, in the hopes that some mothers will recognize the error in their ways and finally put the child first.  As I said in my previous post on this subject, if the father is violent or a detriment to the child, by all means, restrict his access to his children.  However, I will never justify keeping a man from his children due to their lack of funds or even further, a failed relationship between the child's parents.  It is no excuse and these women need to stop it immediately before they ruin their relationship with their children altogether.

Take a listen to the song and check out the video:

WEIGH IN
What do you think about the song and video?
Did Cee-Lo make a nice addition to the song?
Do you relate to the issue Don Trip is addressing in this video?
Have you experienced a jealous/hurtful/selfish baby mother who won't let you see your children?
How does this song make you feel as a father in this situation?