Fatherless Children...An American Epidemic

I recently caught up on a series on Oprah's "Life Class" recently featured on her OWN Network.  Bishop T.D. Jakes lead the class in a serious discussion about fatherless children.  Oprah revealed a surprising statistic that 1 in 3 children in America are fatherless.  It is because this very reason why I referred to this occurrence as an "epidemic" in the title of this post.  The urban community knows all too well the reality of growing up fatherless.  I endured 6 years of my adolescence without my father present so I know what it feels like to not have your father in your life.  Fortunately, my father came back and fought for me and our relationship and today I can say I am very happy with the relationship we currently have.  Unfortunately, many others aren't so lucky.  One of the most beautiful parts about the series is the understanding that it is never too late to develop a father-child relationship, no matter what you've been through.

We only have one father in this life and often times, negative circumstances get in the way of us enjoying positive and fruitful relationships with our fathers.  I've written before about fatherless children and the painful dynamics that this experience can create in one's life on this blog: Where's Daddy?.  Bishop T.D. Jakes pinpointed several things that I think might help my @BornTooBlog readers in this situation. 

Jakes made sure to impress the importance of understanding that like the fatherless children, their fathers have more than likely experienced some kind of trauma or lack of in their lives concerning their own parents.  Many times when you look at fathers who aren't present in their children's lives, if you dig deeper, you find a man that did not have a father or who's father was abusive or had a negative impact on them in some way.  Jakes explained that realizing this as a child can help facilitate understanding among both parties and can actually lessen the guilt of the absentee father.  He calls this "understanding the wounds of your father".

"I think once we let go of our ideas, our fantasies of what things could have been like and embrace what they are like, it gives both the father and the son a feeling of being accepted for where I am."

- Bishop Jakes

 



Jakes also emphasized that once you do gain the courage as an absentee father to reenter your child's life in an effort to rebuild that broken relationship, you must "court your child" by establishing a foundation for your love and respect to grow on.  I hear too many times that fathers who weren't there in the beginning come back trying to discipline their children off the bat or never even address the issues that led to their absence prior to trying to reestablish a relationship.  This can often create further resentment and stop the reconciliation efforts in their tracks.  Although the entire experience can be frightening to a father that is trying to reconnect with his children, the children are often just as afraid of rejection as their absent fathers.  So now we have common fears, emotions and quite possibly, a shared childhood experience that can facilitate growth and understanding.

"The father has to create a floor for the son's love to stand on because he and his son don't share the strong foundation of memories father-son relationships require."

"Parenting is something that doesn't come with a textbook. You learn as you go. And I think sometimes we're so afraid that we're not going to do it right that we don't do it at all."

- Bishop Jakes



I've written previously on how some mothers use their children as bargaining tools or as T.D. Jakes calls it, a "switch" to abuse the father with.  Jakes further pointed out that when you use a "switch" to hit someone with, the switch (aka the child) gets broken and wore down in the process as well.  I always told myself that if I had a child and me and the father were no longer together that I would never stop him from seeing our child because he was unable or unwilling to pay child support.  I made this commitment to myself because it is very rare that I hear children complain about their relationships with their fathers due to lack of financial support.  What I hear the most is usually a child reliving the pain of their parent(s) not being there as a support system when it comes to school, sporting events or momentous occasions in a child's life like graduation, the birth of a child, and so on. Jakes encouraged all fatherless children to "leave the door open" for their fathers should they gain the courage to come back into their child's life.

Ultimately, it takes a lot of dedication, determination and communication in order to build/rebuild the trust and bond between a father that was once absent and the child they left behind.  However, if we are only blessed with one mother and one father, what could it hurt to try and reconcile and build a relationship when given the ability and chance?  Children must learn to forgive and open themselves up to allow the process to begin and fathers must take the first step and keeping making steps towards resolution.  Mothers must be a positive support system that helps facilitate the process and should never deter their children from reconnecting with their fathers unless they are a threat to their well being.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Are you a fatherless child?
Is the father of your child absent in your child's life?
Are you a father who has attempted to reconnect with your child?  What has been the most difficult issue to overcome?
Are you a fatherless child success story?  What helped you and your father or you and your child reconnect against all odds?

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Why Do Men Have Kids By Women They Don't Like?

Men having children by women they can't stand is no new occurrence or phenomenon.  Sure there are plenty of parents that were in love when they conceived their children, and later, due to unforeseen circumstances, fell out of love.  But what about the men who were never in love with the mothers of their children, yet consistently had unprotected sex with these women, knowing they would not get along in a parenting situation, or even worse, that they would be unfit mothers?  Who is holding these men responsible for planting seeds in women that they knew beyond the shadow of a doubt would make things hard when it came to seeing their child or would use the child as bait to get the things they want from the man?

I will give some the benefit of the doubt in saying that maybe the woman flipped once she found out she was pregnant or that the man didn't want to be with her, but many men knew the temperament and personality of the women they were having unprotected sex with and instead of "pulling out" or even better, wearing a condom, they chose to go all in.  Scratch that, how about choosing not to deal with women whom you have nothing in common with other than sex so things like this don't happen at all?  Does something happen when a man is inside a woman that doesn't allow him to restrain himself from ejaculating in her?  Does the woman's vagina have some sort of timed vice grip that holds the man inside her until he fertilizes her egg? Somebody help me out here.

It may seem like I'm being silly or funny, but I'm dead serious!!!  Why do men continuously impregnate women that they can't stand and have no possibility of having a future with outside of child support cases and birthday parties?  It seems to me if said men took a little time to think past their penis, they would be smarter when dealing with women where signs of negativity are already present.  A child is a lifetime responsibility and I'm sure many men regret that one fatal time where they let the vagina get the best of them.  Men want to be seen as so strong and macho, yet can't fight off a woman that means them no earthly good.  What's the point of having muscles and endurance if you can't fight off a lifetime of heartache and regret?

I think men need to think twice when having sex with ANY WOMAN that they deem is not mother or wifey material.  That way, they can lessen the chances of impregnating a woman that will literally suck the life out of them throughout the duration of their co-parenting of the child.

Video Spotlight: Lupe Fiasco - Bitch Bad

My BornTooBlog readers know I've spoken on this occurrence of the confusion between a man wanting a "bad bitch", but also wanting her to possess the qualities of a "good girl".  In my previous post, Men Say They Want A Good Woman, But Chase Bad Girls, I explained my confusion with men who think they can have both and laid out some general definitions of what these perceptions really mean.  Now lyricist/activist Lupe Fiasco has put it in a song called, "Bitch Bad". 

Lupe speaks on this reoccurring contradiction in Hip Hop music as he raps:

Now imagine there's a shawty, maybe five maybe four
Ridin' 'round with his mama listening to the radio
And a song comes on and not far off from being born
Doesn't know the difference between right and wrong
Now I ain't trying to make it too complex
But let's just say shawty has an undeveloped context
About the perception of women these days
His mama sings along and this what she says
"nigga I'm a bad bitch, and I'm bad bitch
Far above average"

First he's relatin' the word "bitch" with his mama, comma
And because she's relatin' to herself
his most important source of help
and mental health, he may skew respect for dishonor

Sure enough, in this little world
The little boy meets one of those little girls
And he thinks she a bad bitch and she thinks she a bad bitch
He thinks disrespectfully, she thinks of that sexually
She got the wrong idea, he don't wanna fuck her
He thinks she's bad at being a bitch like his mother
Just like that, you see the fruit of the confusion
He caught in a reality, she caught in an illusion
Bad mean good to her, she really nice and smart
But bad mean bad to him, bitch don't play your part
But bitch still bad to her if you say it the wrong way
But she think she a bitch, what a double entendre
Check out the video:

I'm glad Lupe has spoken up on this underlying contradiction that has become so popular in rap music these days.  He's received a lot of flack for the song, as well as, his anti-Obama views, but I am still a big fan of this young and talented artist and I'm glad he's sharing his perspective on the subject and various other subjects.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
What did you think about the video?
Do you agree with what Lupe Fiasco is saying?
Do you feel its a contradiction for a man to want a "bad bitch" but also want a "good woman"?
What are your thoughts on the song and lyrics?

A Tribute To My Mother

I know I am a day late, but I definitely wanted to honor my mother for all that she has done.  My mother, Lizzetta Lebeau Douglas, has always been an inspiration to me.  As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be just like her.  She was the most beautiful woman in the world to me and also the smartest.  I could always catch her smiling, laughing, dancing and singing.  Always vibrant and on point. Always striving to be a better person.

There are so many positive things about my personality and the person I am that I can contribute to her.  As I often say, "I get it from my mama." My class, style, confidence, big heart and passionate persona has so much to do with her and the person she raised me to be.  There are so many things that my mother taught me throughout my 32 years on this earth and it would only be right for me to reiterate a few pivotal points, just to let her know I was listening. *smile*

She always taught me to do the best in everything I did and to finish what I started.  She taught me humility, the importance of speaking your mind, yet always respecting elders and people of authority.  School was always a priority and ever since I could remember, I knew my destiny was college.  In fact, living in Mrs. Douglas' household, you really didn't have a choice on whether you were going to college.  The plans had already been drawn up for you.  She taught me how to cook, clean, and take care of myself and she always stressed the importance of good hygiene and looking my best each and every day.

Throughout the years I've learned that its not only what you "teach" your children, but the example that you set for them through your actions that often determines which way they will go in life.  Along with my mother's strong faith and spirituality, she not only talked the talk, but walked the walk.  My mother always strived for personal achievement in her career as she was never satisfied with the status quo.  Every position she took she worked long, hard hours, did the necessary studying and whatever else was required to move up.  She taught me how to conduct myself on interviews, how to study and take tests and how to dress for success.  She taught me that it is never too late to live out your dreams as she went back to school to complete her undergraduate degree years after dropping out of UCLA before we were born.

Family and friends were always a big part of our lives.  We grew up with so many uncles, aunts, cousins, friends of the family, etc., that there was never a lack of love in the home, nor a lack of excitement. I would watch my mother in awe as she would play hostess to her many guests.  My mother's magnetic personality drew lots of characters to our house, many of whom I have learned so much from and have impacted my life in a profound way.  If anything, my party girl spirit definitely comes from her.  She could whip up the food and the drinks, play the music and lure everyone to the dance floor so effortlessly.  I just remembered being a little girl and wanting to be like her in so many ways.

I am just so thankful that the Lord blessed me with a mother like mine.  She was always loving and forgiving and one of the most giving people I know.  She would literally give you the shirt off her back, although she may have 30 more at home, its always the thought that counts {lol}.  I just hope she knows how much she's inspired me and how grateful I am to have her in my life.  She also did much of the things I speak of, on her own with little to no help. I love her dearly and nothing can ever come between a mother and her daughter and nothing ever will.

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS
Did you spend Mother's Day with your mother?
Do you  routinely thank your mother for everything she's done for you?
If you are a mother yourself, what do you most want your children to learn before they reach adulthood?

Video Spotlight: Don Trip feat. Cee-Lo "A Letter To My Son"

I recently heard this song on the radio and was taken aback by the honesty and realness of the lyrics.  This song is my first introduction to Don Trip, a street poet from Memphis, Tennessee, who's mission is to be the voice of the people in these difficult social and economic times.  Don Trip enlisted the voice of one of my favs, soulful Cee-Lo Green.  Cee-Lo is known for bringing deep emotions out of songs and elevating them to a platform that speaks of the struggle in a way that is not only socially conscious, but also pleasing to one's ears.

The song entitled A Letter To My Son displays a father speaking to his only son, expressing the difficulties of raising the son, when all his mother wants to do is use him as a bargaining tool due to their failed relationship.  I spoke about this occurrence when I initially started my blog in the post Where's Daddy?  Too often, young fathers find themselves struggling to build relationships with their children due to the mother being difficult, caddy, messy and down right selfish.  I never understood why a mother would want to keep her children from their father.  Most children in urban neighborhoods barely get a chance to see their fathers, let alone see them at all.  Naturally, when I see mothers keeping their children away from their fathers who want to be in their lives, it makes me angry and confused.

There are so many fathers out there that are going through this, which is why I wanted to highlight this song to give a voice to the proud fathers who will have to wait until their children get older in to explain their misunderstood absence.  Mothers might think they have all the power, but ultimately, once the children realize what's going on, they will now be subject to the inquiries and judgement of their children.  Who really is winning in this situation anyway?

I appreciate Don Trip for bringing this occurrence to the forefront, in the hopes that some mothers will recognize the error in their ways and finally put the child first.  As I said in my previous post on this subject, if the father is violent or a detriment to the child, by all means, restrict his access to his children.  However, I will never justify keeping a man from his children due to their lack of funds or even further, a failed relationship between the child's parents.  It is no excuse and these women need to stop it immediately before they ruin their relationship with their children altogether.

Take a listen to the song and check out the video:

WEIGH IN
What do you think about the song and video?
Did Cee-Lo make a nice addition to the song?
Do you relate to the issue Don Trip is addressing in this video?
Have you experienced a jealous/hurtful/selfish baby mother who won't let you see your children?
How does this song make you feel as a father in this situation?