I haven't posted a relationship blog in awhile and I recently encountered a situation with a girlfriend that made me want to speak on this occurrence. My close girlfriend was telling me about her and her boyfriend's issues with each other and they seemed to all stem from his son from a previous relationship. I have had my experience with a man who had children and trust me, it was not easy. However, the love I had for their father made me want to hold on and make things work, despite blatant disrespect from his kids and the lack of support from him at times. I always wondered if our relationship went to the next level with marriage and children of our own, would he have the same excitement and exuberance when our child was born. Another issue for me personally was the lack of time and commitment that I received, due to the priority of the child. No one wants to be all dressed up and ready to go out and the father can't go because his son is sick.
Many women, along with my close girlfriend, have warned me not to get with a man with a child. Baby Mama drama is rampant in our era because men and women fail to get to know each other before they conceive a child. But what if the child's mother gets along with the father and the child, itself, is really the issue? I can recall my mother having a boyfriend while her and my father were legally separated for an extended amount of time and as a child, I definitely gave him a hard time. A child will always want to see their parents together so you as the "new girlfriend or boyfriend" becomes his/her worse enemy.
It is perfectly understandable that a woman/man would want their first child to be with their significant other in order to experience child birth for the first time TOGETHER! However, you will be hard pressed in this day and age to find a young African American man that does not have a seed or a woman with no children. Are these women/men who refuse to date a man/woman with kids significantly limiting their pool of eligible catches? Is it realistic to think that you will find your soul mate while ruling out men or women with children altogether? Can a man's child or a woman's child get on your nerves that much that you would want to end the relationship?
I would love to hear from singles that have experienced dating the opposite sex whom has kids or even couples who are navigating through this journey as we speak:
Would you ever do it again?
Was the child too much to handle to not be your own?
Did you ever consider breaking up with the person because you could not handle the issues that came with their child?
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS....
1 yes i would because i know for myself i am nearing 35 and the window for having children is closing and i would want 2 at the most (total)
ReplyDelete2 never dated someone who had a problem child
3 the child was never the issue, the drama with father was always what killed the potential for more
overall: i think i would still prefer a woman without because she has more flexibility but wouldnt close the door on a woman with a child
I married into a relationship with children (2 girls) that were already older. The main problem is taken your values that you invision for YOUR children and having the other parent inforce the same values that to THEIR (if you will) children. Is it hard, sure....but is it a deal breaker, not to me. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship, so she has to deal with it to. To answer your questions
ReplyDelete1)If me and the wife got divorced, and i was dating again, i would probably look for someone with kids so that way we have the same mind set.
2)To be honest, there have been times i thought this, but overall i treat all my kids (step or mine) the same
3)Again this is the same as #2, i have thought about it but nothing yet. Bronc
Great blog Maya! My personal preference is to date a man with no children. However, I broke this rule once. I was head over heels in love with that man. I loved his son as if he was my own and he adored me. I was not looking forward to the dreaded “baby mama drama” but his family assured me he had none, so I gave him a chance. I met the baby mother only once throughout our on/off again 3 year relationship. It was at their son’s 3rd birthday party. This was the first time she had heard of me. I went out of my way to not be affectionate with my boyfriend or her son, as to not step on her toes. But, of course she still had a problem with my presence. My issue was the pressure to give him a baby girl. His father has 3 grandsons. I constantly asked myself, if a have a boy how special will that experience really be? He already has a first born. He already has a son, who he named after him, (blank, the 6 th ). I want to experience having my first born child with someone who has never experienced that before. Do I really want to help raise another woman’s child? Women are very territorial and I don’t want her to think I am trying to take her place. I will never date a man with children again. The recent episode of The Game is a reality for many people. My friend told me I’m going to have a child one day and no one will want to date me. I respect that. It’s not an easy thing to do. To each their own.
ReplyDelete1. I would definitely do it again. I am a single parent myself, so I don't have any problems dating a man with a child. I think it's a case by case basis. I don't want to possibly miss out on a good man, just because he has a child.
ReplyDelete2. The child wasn't too much to handle, it takes time for the mutual warm up. I think sometimes when an adult comes into the picture as a parent's mate, children think that person is trying to take that parent away. I experienced that and both me and the guy I was dating actually sat down with the child and explained that his daddy would always be there for him no matter who was in the picture. I also let the child know that I would be there if he wanted me to be.
3. The child wasn't the issue. It was the child's mother and the fact that the father didn't step in when she approached me on some "Just because you're dating him, doesn't mean that you're a mother to my son". I was like "whoa whoa...slow down". She came at me like I was the enemy and trying to steal her child away when that wasn't the case, which I explained. I gave him a chance to set her straight and he glossed over it, so when it happened again, I decided that this was going to be a pattern that I'd rather not keep repeating and I removed myself from the situation.
In some cases, it's not an easy situation to deal with, but a man having a child is not a dealbreaker.